A Christian BDSM Question & Answer Page

This question and answer list is the offshoot of an e-mail lambsone sent to two of the mail lists that she and I are on. I answered the questions (with the assistance of My wife and slave gentle^spiritSG) and then realized that they would make a good page for the website.

So exactly what is "Christian" BDSM?

First off, I do not like the term "Christian BDSM". It infers a relationship between the two terms that I feel should not be made. That is why I named this site "Christians and BDSM". However, having said that, I will say that I feel that "Christian" BDSM is a relationship between two believers who have agreed together that they want their relationship to incorporate some or all of the dynamics of BDSM.

It does differ from secular BDSM in that the relationship is (or should be) confined to a husband and wife in male dominant/female submissive roles. Also, the Bible is the ultimate authority... if something is "accepted" in BDSM circles but prohibited by the Bible, then it is prohibited in a Christian BDSM relationship.

Are BDSM relationships different in Christian BDSM? If so, how do they differ?

They are different since there is a specific spiritual component to their relationship. The Master and submissive/slave worship, pray and grow together as Christians. The Master is head of the wife. She submits to Him. Christ is the head of the church. Master and submissive are both in submission to Christ. A Christian submissive’s first responsibility is to God and His commandments. Unlike her secular sister, a Christian submissive should not participate in something against God’s teaching, even if ordered by her Dominant/Master.

How are Christian BDSM relationships similar to secular BDSM relationships?

Secular BDSM cannot be easily categorized. There are as many different ways to "do" BDSM as there are people to do them. The relationships are the same, however as (and when) they are based in love and not the selfish pursuit of self gratification.

Can we do anything we want in Christian BDSM?

If not, what are the prohibitions for Christian BDSMers?

Anything prohibited by the Bible, plus anything not agreed upon by the couple. Of course, limits on non-biblical prohibitions may be pushed or changed. One might say their limit is "no canes", but if they agree to try it then the limit may be challenged. It may stand, or it may change, but it should be done by mutual agreement.

Are Christian BDSM folk a legitimate group of BDSMers?

Why aren't Christian BDSM folk accepted by some secular BDSM folk?

IMHO, they look at their adopting a BDSM lifestyle as flying in the face of what they believe is traditional Christian morality. To find Christians in the lifestyle challenges their belief. They cannot handle this challenge to their stereotyping of Christians, so they reject those Christians who are in the lifestyle.

Can we say what is always Christian BDSM and what is always not Christian BDSM?

No, except to the extent of what is Biblically prohibited. After that, it is different for each couple. Some may live a strictly D/s relationship without any bondage or S&M while others may practice domestic discipline (DD), either with or without the structure of a D/s relationship. Others may include bondage and/or S&M into their relationship in varying degrees.

Does Christian BDSM work out in daily life? If so, how?

IMHO, yes, it does. The dominance and submission aspect of BDSM models the traditional Biblical marriage relationship, while the bondage and S&M aspects enrich the sex lives of those who partake of them.

I feel that a Christian dominant should think of himself as a steward of the submissive that God has given him. Speaking for myself, I think of myself as a caretaker and guardian of my submissive... one who has a charge to protect and nurture her.

What should a Christian submissive think about herself?

A Christian submissive should first think of herself as a child of God and therefore precious in His sight. She is submissive first and foremost to Christ. She should feel she has a precious gift to offer the special Dominant God has for her. As His helpmeet she adds balance to the relationship. A Christian submissive should know that in she is unique and God will give her the strength she needs to submit.

What should a Christian dominant think about his submissive?

A Christian dominant should think of his submissive the same way that God thinks of her. Again using myself as an example, I believe that my submissive is my "treasured possession" just as God called Israel His "treasured possession" (Exodus 19:4-6)

She should think of Him as her protector, mentor, provider, lover and friend. The Christian submissive should be able to trust her Dominant in all things. She should know He will be consistent in His treatment of her. She should feel safe. A submissive or slave should never have reason to fear her Dominant.

How do the thoughts of a Christian dominant differ from those of a secular dominant?

I feel that the difference between a Christian dominant and a secular dominant revolve around who they focus on in the relationship. While I don't believe that all secular dominants are this way, I do feel that many put their own needs and desires far above those of their submissives. Christian dominants should put the welfare of their submissives before their own needs. As for me, my thoughts are for my submissive first and for my own pleasure and gratification second. My greatest gratification comes from seeing her grow and prosper.

How do the thoughts of a Christian submissive differ from those of a secular submissive?

Unlike her secular sister, a Christian submissive may not be a natural submissive. She may choose to become a submissive wife as she is called to do in the scriptures. She seeks to honor God and her Husband in all she does. The Christian submissive seeks after God’s heart and relies on prayer for strength and wisdom in her submissive walk.

How does the treatment of a submissive by a Christian dominant differ from treatment of a submissive by a secular dominant?

How does the treatment of a dominant by a Christian submissive differ from the treatment of a dominant by a secular submissive?

A Christian submissive looks to her Master as spiritual head of the home. Unlike her secular sister, the Christian submissive must measure those duties given her by her Dominant by what is scriptural. If she is ordered to do something that is against biblical teaching she must refuse. In Colossian 4:6 we see she has the God given duty to gently, respectfully and with love reprove her Husband if He stumbles into sin.

Have Christian BDSMers made BDSM better or have we just adopted the secular BDSM habits, traditions, etc.?

While there are many aspects of BDSM that are the same whether you talk of Christian or secular BDSMers, it all depends on whether you bring Biblical principles into the relationship or use the BDSM aspects to pollute the relationship.

If a Christian dominant expects his submissive to let him lead her 100%, should he expect to replace God in the submissive's life?

He shouldn't. The dominant should be led 100% by God; so, by extension, hey should be leading his submissive 100% by God's direction. In other words, the dominant should assist his submissive in her relationship with God and not stand in the way of that relationship. In fact, the dominant should encourage his submissive's spiritual relationship, and correct any wavering from that path.

If a Christian submissive is 100% submissive to her dominant, does that mean that she no longer has a personal relationship with God and can only go through her dominant to talk to and obey God?

Absolutely not. The D/s relationship does not supplant her relationship with God. It is only a shadow of that relationship. The submissive is still responsible for her own spiritual relationship with God.

What kind of consequences does a Christian dominant receive when he sin?

If a Christian dominant is supposed to present the submissive before God as a clean vessel, does this mean that when the submissive sins, the dominant has to bear the consequences since he was in charge and failed to keep the submissive on the straight and narrow?

No. The submissive does not give up her free will in the eyes of God (again, IMHO), so if she sins independently of her dominant's leading, she alone is responsible for that sin. For example, would you blame the dominant for the submissive having an adulterous relationship on her own?

Christian BDSM Q&A