Those
red flags are
there to expose an abuser if only we
were trained to see them. You will read the list and think… ”Now why oh
why didn’t I think of that!” That over protective boyfriend in high
school that demanded all your time and attention may have
seemed romantic at that time. That boyfriend that was so handsome and
charming but never seemed to have any money, and even though he
made profuse flowery promises, he never paid you back.
We
may
have grown up in a home or even in a culture were women were treated
this way, or we may have learned to expect it from the examples above.
But as adult women we should know the red flags that help spot an
abuser.
I
wish
the schools and churches (better yet the parents) would
teach these red flags to the young ladies so they would make the proper
choices in choosing dates. The following is a checklist to help weed
out the abuser from the nice guys. And yes, there still are nice guys
out there.
HOW
TO SPOT AN
ABUSER CHECKLIST
____
1.
Are you
afraid to act like yourself with this person?
____
2.
Does this
person refuse to talk AND listen to you?
____
3.
Do you
catch this person in lies?
____
4.
Are you
this person's only friend?
____
5.
Does this
person talk badly about other women?
____
6.
Does this
person mistreat their mother/father, siblings or ex?
____
7.
Is this
person mean to animals?
____
8.
Is this
person subject to road rage?
____
9.
Does this
person anger easily?
____
10.
Does this
person hold grudges?
____
11. Does this
person express their anger physically?
____
12.
Is this
person upset that you have other friends?
____
13.
Is this
person jealous of your friends and realatives?
____
14.
Does this
person try to cut you off from your friends?
____
15.
Does this
person try to keep you from practicing your faith?
____
16.
Would you
not consider this person a friend outside of this relationship?
____
17.
Is this
person totally fixated on you?
____
18.
Was this
person abused as a child? Was their mother abused?
____
19.
Is this
person co-dependent?
____
20.
Does this
person have a poor self-image?
____
21.
Does this
person have poor impulse control?
____
22.
Is this
person preoccupied with sex?
____
23.
Does this
person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse or a problem with
compulsive gambling?
____
24.
Has this
person pushed for intimacy early in the relationship? Perhaps making
all sorts of
promises for marriage and hope for the
future.
____
25.
Does this
person use guilt to try to manipulate you?
____
26.
Does this
person unjustly accuse you of flirting with others?
___
27.
Does this
person take your money?
___
28.
Must you
always watch the TV program that this person wishes to see the
movie of their choice?
___
29.
Has this
person tried “playful” forceful sex? Not stopping until you REALLY
objected?
____
30.
Has this
person threatened to hit you?
____
31.
Has this
person hit, shoved, bit, kicked or in other ways tried to injure you?
____
32.
Has this
person destroyed any of your property? Has this person threatened to
do so?
____
33.
Does this
person have a dual personality? Is this person nice and friendly most
of the time,
then cruel and heartless at other times (Jeckyll
and Hyde)?
____
34.
Does this
person have to know where you are every minute and check up to
you to
make sure?
____
35.
Does this
person check through your computer history, e-mail, cookies and
logs to
see where you have been? Does this person read your mail?
____
36.
Are you
not allowed to be alone with friends and family?
____
37.
Does this
person have a problem with authority figures?
____
38.
Does this
person have extreme highs and extreme lows?
____ 39. Has this person tried to 'brush aside' your concerns and
just trust him?
____ 40. Listen to
your phone calls?
Simple
questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.
If
you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these
you are in an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions
checked the more serious the potential of the abuse. Carry
this list with you on dates, keep a copy by your computer to refer to
when chatting online it is a great tool! I used it (it worked) and I
know of many other women that have.
Unfortunately,
abusers can also be very intelligent and charming and
can often weave elaborate lies. Think of the serial killers we hear
about on the news. That is why it is SO very important to take one’s
time to get to know the person you are interested in. Hopefully even a
skilled liar will eventually hang himself or herself on a lie.
Note: This list is not
comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If
you feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in
this checklist shoud be considered a substitute for counseling.
If
you'd
like to write to gentle^spirit, click here .
©
2002, 2004
gentle^spirit-All Rights Reserved except BDSM symbol © 1995 by Quagmyr@aol.com
If
you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now!
You can take the first step by calling the National Domestic Violence
Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224) or go to http://www.ndvh.org .
